Adam Sandler The Psychotic Legend of Uncle Donnie Lyrics
Peter: Holy shit, this boat is sweet Uncle Donnie
Uncle Donnie: Oh you like it, do ya?
Al: Its fuckin awesome Donnie, it must be fast as shit
Uncle Donnie: Oh fuck yeah. This fuckin boats got more balls than the fuckin Celtics locker room.
Johnny: Yeah, but it musta cost you like 50 G's or somethin
Uncle Donnie: One might think that but guess what it didn't cost me jack shit
Johnny: Whaddaya mean?
Uncle Donnie: I shtole it out of a wintah storage pahkin lot
Johnny: No fuck way
Peter: You fuckin shittin me?
Uncle Donnie: No, new paint job, change of the license, and bingo, here we are, sunny times
Peter: Oh yeah, the sun is wicked fuckin hot. I had to stop drinkin or I was gonna pass out
Johnny: Oh yeah, I didn't eat all day I'm extra fuckin buzzed
Uncle Donnie: Alright you fuckin lightweights are you gonna waterski or are you gonna slide your fuckin tampons in?
Johnny: Alright Donnie
Al: Peter you go first, you're good at this shit
Peter: Ok, is the lake cold?
Uncle Donnie: Just jump in the fuckin water you pussy, or I'll crack this fuckin bottle of Bacardi over your head
Peter: Alright uncle Donnie, alright
Uncle Donnie: If it's fuckin cold, who gives a fuck?!
Peter: Hey, it's not bad, the waters warm!
Uncle Donnie: Shithead, one ski or two?
Peter: I'll try one, what the fuck
Uncle Donnie: Ok, hotshot. Al can you fuckin take your head out of your ass for a minute and throw him a fuckin ski?
Al: Alright, here ya go.
Johnny: Nice catch Petey!
Peter: Thanks buddy. OK it's on, I'm ready!
Uncle Donnie: Well you need the rope don't you, you fuckin ding-a-ling!
Al: Johnny, throw him the rope
Johnny: Here ya go
Peter: Got it!
Uncle Donnie: Alright lemme straighten the fuckin rope out then it's go time
Al: Good luck peter!
Johnny: Let's do it Petey!
Al: Have fun!
Johnny: You can get it!
Peter: Alright, I hope I can do this!
Uncle Donnie: Waddaya think fellas, is he gonna get up first try or is he gonna stumble at the start gate?
Al: Oh he's getting up, definitely!
Johnny: Oh yeah, Petey's good at everything
Uncle Donnie: Oh yeah? Well cheers to the fuckin stud then. Slainte!
Al: Jesus, Donnie. What was that? like your 11th shot of rum?
Uncle Donnie: How's this? DON'T COUNT! Only a fuckin old woman counts.
Al: Ok Donnie, let go of my arm!
Uncle Donnie: Yeah that's what I thought you'd say peckerhead!
Al: Donnie, the lines straight
Uncle Donnie: Alright brainiac, thanks for the info. You ready back there?!!?
Peter: Yeah! Hit it!
Uncle Donnie: Hit it, alright. Hang on fellas.
Johnny: Yeah... yeah yeah yeah!! He's up! He's up! He's up!
Al: Ohhh, he wiped out.
Johnny: Uncle Donnie, he wiped out. Let's go get him
Al: He let go of the rope
Uncle Donnie: He fuckin ate it?
Al: Yeah, let's go get him
Uncle Donnie: I thought he was supposed to be good at this
Al: He almost got it
Johnny: Yeah he did
Uncle Donnie: Oh my god! Look at the spaz splashin around after his ski! I love it!
Al: Nice try Petey. You alright?
Peter: I'm fine, gimme another try
Uncle Donnie: Hey, I thought you were good at this big guy
Peter: I know I know I lost my balance, ok? I'll get it this time
Uncle Donnie: Ok. Hey is your ski back on?
Peter: Oh yeah, I'm ready. Come on! Wooo! Let's go, Donnie!
Uncle Donnie: Easy party animal, lemme bring you the fuckin rope.
Peter: This water's awesome! This fuckin water's awesome!
Uncle Donnie: Fuck! This fuckin rope is a pain in the ass!
Al: Don't worry Donnie, take your time
Uncle Donnie: Shit! Fuck this shit! Fuck! Lemme fuckin try a little reverse action here.
Johnny: Hey, hey Donnie, you're getting a little close to Petey.
Peter: Slow down Donnie. Hey Donnie, slow down!
Al: Donnie slow--!
Peter: OW! OH MY LEG!
Al: Cut the motor, Donnie! Cut the motor already!
Uncle Donnie: What happened?
Al: You ran over Petey! DONNIE! CUT THE FUCKIN MOTAH!
Peter: Holy fuck! My leg's off my body!
Johnny: God, he lost his fuckin leg!
Uncle Donnie: What?
Johnny: Grab the rope.
Uncle Donnie: What'd you do? Stick your leg into the motor, moron?
Peter: You ran me over, you sick fuck!
Uncle Donnie: Oh oh, hey hey, don't make this my fault. You fuckin wiped out, not me.
Al: Who gives a shit!
Uncle Donnie: I'm just sayin I didn't fuckin do this. Johnny One-ski.
Al: Who gives a shit!
Johnny: Oh my god!
Uncle Donnie: What are we gonna do now?
Johnny: Waddaya mean what are we gonna do? Let's get him in the fuckin boat!
Uncle Donnie: Oh boy
Peter: Come on! Please! Help me! Come on and pick me up you fuckin drunk, I'm bleedin to death!
Johnny: Just calm down Petey!
Uncle Donnie: He's fuckin in a panic. Listen, I know what to do. A little reverse action.
Al: What are you doin?
Uncle Donnie: Relax...
Johnny: Oh god! Stop!
Al: Donnie stop!
Johnny: My god.... He's dead! He's fuckin dead!
Uncle Donnie: Fuck yeah he is
Johnny: Jeezum crow, Donnie!
Uncle Donnie: Come on...
Al: You killed him! You killed Petey!
Uncle Donnie: I fuckin put him out of his misery. He was gonna die anyways.
Johnny: Goddammit, Donnie!
Al: He coulda lived.
Uncle Donnie: With one leg? Petey? With one leg?
Johnny: That is fucked up!
Uncle Donnie: He couldn't have lived like that, he was an athlete! That's like takin away a horse's cock, that's all he has.
Johnny: Fuck you, Donnie! You were wrong!
Uncle Donnie: Well that's your opinion. But uh, I don't wanna talk about it all day, let's drink to the dead. To Petey! May he grow an even bettah, and less hairy leg in heaven. Slainte!
Al: Oh my god... Petey!
Uncle Donnie: Alright, who's next? Plenty of skiing left on this glorious sunny day
Johnny: Take us to shore, Donnie.
Uncle Donnie: And waste my day off fillin out police files? Fuck that shit!
Johnny: Fuckin Donnie!
Uncle Donnie: Let's at least enjoy the fuckin lake in it's beauty, I insist. Al, jump in. Al, jump in or I'll break that stack o' dimes next of yours. Either way.
Al: What the fuck's happening here?
Uncle Donnie: One lap around the lake and then we'll go home, I promise
Johnny: Just do it Al, or he ain't never gonna take us back in.
Uncle Donnie: Bingo. Come on, youll fuckin love it, it's your first time, right?
Uncle Donnie: Oh, you don't sound too excited about it, come on youre gonna have a blast! Get the fuck out there!
Al: Let's just get this over with!
Uncle Donnie: Come on, you fuckin nutsack, throw him the ski!
Uncle Donnie: Throw him this one right here, it's wide. Good for beginners.
Johnny: Al! here! Just calm down and take the ski, it;s gonna be alright.
Al: What is it? Left foot front, right foot back?
Uncle Donnie: Whatevah fuckin melts ya buttah! Come on!
Al: Ok, I'm ready, I'm ready!
Uncle Donnie: Ok, let's fuckin straighten this bitch out, and then it's blast off time.
Johnny: One lap, and then we're goin in.
Uncle Donnie: Oh, is that what we're gonna do? Thanks for fillin me in. You ready back there!?!?
Al: Oh god, I cant get Petey out of my head!
Uncle Donnie: Oh fuckin let it go! Listen, don't try to stand too quickly, just lean back and let the boat pull you up!
Al: Alright. Let's do it!
Uncle Donnie: Alright then, hotshot! Here we go!!
Johnny: Yes! He's up!
Uncle Donnie: Of course he's up! This boat is fuckin awesome!
Johnny: Way to go Al! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, he's goin outside the wake! Look at him!
Uncle Donnie: He's pretty good for a fuckin novice! Let's see if he can handle some speed!
Johnny: Whoa, he looks scared shitless, I'd slow down, Donnie.
Al: Slow down! Please, slow down!
Uncle Donnie: Look at fuckin Evil Knievel back there getting some fuckin airtime!
Johnny: He's too far right, he's gonna hit the dock!
Uncle Donnie: He'll be fine, he's a fuckin natural out there.
Johnny: Oh god in heaven!
Uncle Donnie: Wow, that sounded fuckin horrific.
Johnny: I heard his kneecaps fuckin shatter from here!
Uncle Donnie: Ah, he plays hockey, I'm sure he's alright.
Johnny: Al! are you alright? He's not movin, Donnie!
Uncle Donnie: He's fakin it
Johnny: He's not fakin it, you asshole! He just plowed into a fuckin solid wood wall at 35 miles per hour!
Uncle Donnie: Alright, don't get all melodramatic on me you fuckin candy-ass thumbsucker. Fuckin go help him out then.
Johnny: I will!
Uncle Donnie: Slainte!
Johnny: Al! wake up Al! wake up!
Uncle Donnie: I got a wake up call for both you mothafuckas. Its called a little reverse action. Check it out.
Johnny: Don't do this Donnie! No!
Uncle Donnie: There ya go, fucka. Fuck you! Fuck off! I thought you were unconscious, big Al! And I thought you were supposed to be a badass, Johnny!
Johnny: Fuck you! My last words on this planet are...
Uncle Donnie: Yeah?...
Johnny: Fuck you, Uncle Donnie! You're going to burn in hell!
Uncle Donnie: Oh yeah? Well while I'm here I might as well finish off this bottle of Bacardi! Nice blowin ya, ya fuckin arseholes. Slainte! Now what? Three dead bellyachers floatin around in the fuckin watah, and me lookin like the Lizzy Borden of Lake Winnisquam. Oh god, here comes the fuckin boat fuzz just my luck. What the fuck am I gonna do to look a little less conspicuous? I'll just cut off my own fuckin hand so I kinda look like one of these nimrods. Awww, there ya go, right throught the bone there, nice and clean. Fuckin look at the new stump. I love it!
Officer 1: Good afternoon
Uncle Donnie: Hey officers, whats up? Hows Pickerel Cove goin today? They fuckin bitin or what?
Officer 1: Whats goin on, sir? You seem to be injured.
Uncle Donnie: Oh this? I gotta tell you some fuckin psycho just cut my fuckin hand off and made limb stew outta those three mutilated fuckers floatin around the boat hea. He's swimming that way if you wanna fuckin catch the bastard!
Officer 1: Sir, have you been drinking?
Uncle Donnie: I had a few chardonnays , what of it?
Officer 2: You're gonna have to come with us.
Uncle Donnie: Oh alright, Sherlock Holmes, I killed them. But you'll never catch me cause I'm fastest fuckin butterfly swimmer in the fuckin world! Let's see if your boats got any fuckin horsepower, fuckers! Geronimo!
Officer 2: What do you think we should do?
Officer 1: How about a little reverse action?
Officer 2: You got it.
Officer 1: Man, this guy wont die
Uncle Donnie: Fuck you! Aww that one got me!