MC Lars Certified Lyrics

Radio Pet Fencing Track Listing
Digital Media 1
  • 1 Hey That's Me
  • 2 Yes I Am an Alien
  • 3 Atom You're Awesome
  • 4 Certified
  • 5 Mr. Wormsly's Addiction
  • 6 The Séance at Harpers Ferry
  • 7 My Rhymes Rhyme
  • 8 Rapbeth (Foul Is Fair)
  • 9 Make Way for Ducklings
  • 10 Humphrey the Whale
  • 11 Sarah
  • 12 Escape From Robot Island (feat.. M.N.P.)
  • 13 Hey That's Me (Trademark remix)
  • I spot an active drowning victim form a mile away,
    I save old men in seas like Hemmingway.
    The swimming pool not taken?
    Watch out for Frost,
    Don't get busted like Milton,
    Or paradise will be lost.
    Its like that, and that's the way it is.
    Don't Run-DMC, walk like the other kids.
    And if you get in trouble, I use a contact dive,
    I extent my rescue tube to keep you alive.
    If you're submerged, I'll dive feet first,
    And bring you to a backboard, never to a hearse.
    Because DOA victims are for amateurs,
    I do it my safe way, you do it yours,
    Like Raleys or Luckys or Albertsons.
    Did the victim hurt his neck? Im going in.
    I support your chin, airway and spine,
    With my head-splint technique everything is fine.
    My EAP is CPR after those rescue breaths,
    Then I'll check your airway for respiratory arrest.
    Then it's sweep, ventilation, and abdominal thrusts,
    I get the pool toy out I can, will, and must.
    Prepared for emergencies Ive got my life together,
    And understand my job keeps you alive like Eddie Vedder.
    If you're a stressed-out mom
    Who keeps her children fettered,
    Your kids are safe today, see, no lifeguard is better.
    Ten times as reliable mature and fitter
    Than your average lifeguard as a water babysitter,
    Betsy Weeks trained me well at Roble Gym,
    And Im slamming into swim safety, not a Slim Jim.
    Lifeguarding at the pool, lake, or the sea,
    I keep both eyes on your progeny.
    The Red Cross has got my back like 1-2-3,
    Because Im C-E-R-T-F-I-E-D.
    And when I act it's with informed consent,
    If you wont cooperate, I circumvent
    And call the cops, best recognize
    Its not wise to distract me as I scrutinize
    The pool, it's called scanning, best take a hint
    And shut your mouth, you don't matter like lint.
    Larry Flint might argue that your
    Voice means nothing, but I be like Bush
    And say for safety it means nothing.
    Im disciplined and talented at what I do,
    And hope to say the same for my lifeguard crew,
    Because unlike the Insane Clown Posse,
    We practice our skills repeatedly
    And don't cash in on tentative integrity
    Or fire dope producers for more money.
    Wait, what, where was I?
    I guess I got side-tracked
    Dissing Detroit high school drop-outs
    With new albums that are whack.
    Back on track, heres the point:
    Im safe like what!
    Making sure the chemical room doors always shut.
    See that gardeners dirty trowel?
    Well, I don't. Im too busy making
    Sure your kids stay afloat.
    And see that dude who kind of looks like Shrek,
    But imported like badly dubbed French Star Trek?
    Nope, I double check
    The bubble trek from your kids lungs.
    The shovel speck or
    Smuggled Shrek distract no one
    Like me, I don't notice, no, just your kids.
    But did I see that kid run? Oh yes I did!
    Peripherally, so Im a lay the smack down
    And turn their smiles into one collective frown.
    Hey kids, stop running! You know the rule!
    Yes Im a tool from lifeguard school
    But safety is cool here at the pool,
    And trust me on the sunscreen, don't be a fool.

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