Your Horoscope For Today Lyrics

Performed by Weird Al Yankovic

Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a
speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a
day

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound
watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go
back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through
your chest

Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in
the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's
test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's
face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of
strawberry Quik

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the
relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep
significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give
you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid,
scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not
to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than
you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts

next week

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in
your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know
they're lying
If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never
leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay
That's your horoscope for today

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My mornings | Reviewer: Dman | 10/31/11

I was in the hospital recovering from surgery when my mom bought me "The Essential 'Weird Al' Yankovic". This song has since then become my morning song and I listen to it most mornings before school.

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.... | Reviewer: Vi | 10/16/11

Can someone get the Tauruses a shotgun? Is it just me or does every Taurus that reviews seem very very depressed with their life - lol it's just a song guys take life a little less seriously. I'm cancer and I'm going for my driver's soon, seriously thinking about packing duct tape lol.

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Taurus is always accurate | Reviewer: Elliander | 11/27/10


He couldn't have chosen a better line for Taurus, because all Taurus wants is true happiness and it doesn't exist. I should know. I'm a Taurus and in 27 years I have yet to find it. On the contrary, whenever I think I find it it's pulled away from me as if the universe delights in teasing me.

So most days I wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep. Especially in winter. I hibernate. At least I have lots of material comfort.

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nya xD | Reviewer: Mystic | 7/23/10

i'm a pisces xD and this is soo true, i hate leos and vigros weather they have ebola virus or not >:) and i am true lord of the dance and i don't care that the whole world says i suck at dancing ^^ n_n

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hahaha | Reviewer: heather | 6/26/10

I have this song on my ipod and constantly listen to it- I'm a pisces and for a moment thought weird al was too because they got the best horoscope. Avoid virgos and leos with the ebola virus- my best friend was kind of shocked to hear this (she is a virgo) but I explained no, only ones with the EBOLA VIRUS. You are the true lord of the dance- apparently I am even though I have no idea how to dance!

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P| | Reviewer: Ju Ju Bird | 5/18/10

I heard this and loved it so much I made a story out of it. I'm Taurus and I think that actually goes for me because since I'm in theater I do need to get up do a whole bunch of things then go back to sleep! My favourite line though would have to be All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you, and the bridge. XD

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Some of you are lucky | Reviewer: Kirsten | 4/10/10

Some of you guys complain but I am Sagittarius and I don't have naked pictures of anyone anywhere. It's kind of offensive but it does make the song funnier.Me and my friends make a joke about the other which i find hillarious.Before I knew what I was I wanted to be where he says kill them.

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leo | Reviewer: makayla | 1/10/10

I'm a Leo

I don't want tuna flavored pudding
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's
face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of
strawberry Quik

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Taurus is me | Reviewer: Amanda | 11/25/09

this song scares me. it is tottally right when it says "You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?" because so far, i haven't founds true happiness because my boyfriend keeps dumping me, comes back, flirts with other girls, loses intrest with me, and then dump me again. :'(

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lolololololololololololol | Reviewer: Ragenzen Muramasa | 8/18/09

Hehe, I'm a gemini, and so far, none of that has come true =P in fact, my b-days don't get ruined by explosive flatulence, they actually induce farting competitions. xD And I don't have a fiance (only 16) so she can't throw a javelin through my chest. =P

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