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Alexisonfire Biography

Last updated: 11/08/2012 10:31:31 AM

Alexisonfire-photo
Alexisonfire was the brain child of Helcama von shnowsitz, a reclusive Norwegian doctor. Dr. Helcama had advance knowledge of cloning and test tube human production.

One day he grew weary of the constant pressures of the outside world so he drew up plans to make a lethal hit squad of 5 Catholic school girls who would bring down the capitalist regime that had crushed his will to live. But unfortunately during the cloning process he spilled a vile of what is known in the scientific world as AGENT X606.(two parts lysol, one part jack Daniels) into the cloning tanks. this had a drastic effect on his children of destruction. what he thought to be girls were turning into boys. mildly unattractive boys.

The first of the lethal creations to gain consciousness was one that was given the name "Dallas", after the successful mid 80's soap opera, a favorite of Dr. Helcamas. Dallas was a mild mannered young man who displayed great skills with the guitar and had a lovely singing voice. The next to emerge was a husky foul mouthed, sarcastic, but highly intelligent young man who was named wade. he instantly took to the guitar as well but he played a much scarier brand of music and instantly corrupted Dallas.

The next to come was named Jesse. Jesse was destructive and broke everything around him so Dr Helcama placed him behind a set of drums which he instantly fell in love with. Jesse also had the super power of consuming great quantities of sandwiches and granola bars and never ever gaining weight. A child named George was the next to awaken. George was resentful of the Doctor and refused to play any instruments, instead George took to screaming and yelling. The last child was young Chris. Chris may have been insane.but he also may have been brilliant. Chris played the bass and he seemed to be able to function with out any sleep what so ever.

After Dr. Helcama was finished his studies of the boys he thought it would be too risky to unleash them upon the world so he loaded his gun and decided to destroy the boys and any proof of their existence. George became aware of the doctors plans and was the first to strike. The doctor was hog tied and thrown off a bridge never to know that he created the greatest rock band of all time. The group of genetic miscreants decided to start a band.Dallas stepped forth with a name. Since Dallas had no mother he had taken to watching lactating pornography...

and thus ALEXISONFIRE, the band, was born.

This is the same as above, except i'd like to ad that Jesse no longer plays with Alexisonfire, and they have a new drummer named Jordan Hastings...check out their website for information.

Thanks to Joe for submitting the biography.


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